Anamocracy

askcuttershy: … I need those… This is one of my favourite...

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 14:50:46 +0100

askcuttershy:

… I need those…

This is one of my favourite comics my friend has done. Genuine laugh from me.

Edinburgh Fringe Video Diary: Days 1, 2 and 4.

Fri, 26 Aug 2011 02:21:36 +0100

Edinburgh Fringe Video Diary: Days 1, 2 and 4.

E3 Afterhype: What We Learned

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 01:26:00 +0100

E3 often floods us with a lot of information, here to break down that information is me.

Companies

Microsoft continued to show how it was having a mid-life crisis and filled it shows with memories of it’s childhood. Disneyland, Sesame Street and Halo CE took to the stage while fanboys and journalists watched on aghast at Microsoft’s public nervous breakdown. After spending nearly 2 hours waving their arms at their TV Microsoft then proceeded to collapse to the floor weeping, declaring it found the world to be “big and scary” and then announced Halo 4 in a desperate attempt to distract everyone from the fact they’d just wet themselves. Said one Microsoft Fanboy “I want to defend their performance… I really do… but I mean… Disneyland? Really? I’m going to have to go on the internet and swear a lot more than usual to prove I’m a man and not a frightened child.”

Sony came onto the stage, apologised for being weaker than a gang of determined pissed off teenagers and showed a variety of fairly interesting, if entirely predictable games. Then it unveiled some more details about it’s much anticipated handheld now named the Playstation Vita, the new low fat alternative to the 3DS. It contains only half the calories and comes in a variety of flavours, such as Wi-Fi or Wi-Fi and AT&T frustration generator. Kaz Hari is said to have found the whole AT&T thing “hilarious” and has promised to support other terrible technology companies “ironically”. This includes the Playstation Move, which Sony convinced Ken Levine would be “so funny to put in Bioshock, oh my god, could you imagine their faces, I mean god that’d so bad it’d be good”. Sony then put on a pair of 3d glasses while saying “Oh my god guys, we can see the world in 3d LOL!” and then followed it up by rolling their own cigarettes and calling Microsoft mainstream. Microsoft responded by calling Sony “Poo Poo Heads” and proceeded to throw their toys out the pram.

Nintendo opened their press conference with a live orchestral performance of The Legend of Zelda’s greatest hits. Miyamoto then came on stage and thanked everyone who had bought the games that had allowed him to fund his own private orchestra, and explained the series was nothing more than a ruse to allow him to release the classical music album he’d always dreamt of. Then Nintendo announced their plans to port over every N64 game worth it’s salt to the 3DS and also to make a “new” Mario Kart game. This Mario Kart contains a glider. You’ll buy it, don’t pretend you’re better than it. The Wii U was then unveiled, an iPad you can only use in your living room. When asked if they were taking inspiration from Apple, Reggie punched a journalist in his gut, lifted him atop his head and threw him onto a spike that rose from the stage floor. No further questions were asked.

Ubisoft came on stage and reminded everyone they are a French company by hiring the most annoying… thing known to man to host their conference. Despite a strong showing including new Rayman, Farcry, Assassin Creed and Ghost Recon games all the press could remember was “that hyper active cunt that kept dodging our projectiles. I want that fucker dead”.

EA showed off Battlefield 3, a direct competitor to Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3. When asked to elaborate on what Battlefield 3 does differently to MW3 EA simply started laughing at the journalist who asked. EA have yet to leave the LA convention centre due to this question.

Games

Skyrim
This game features swords, some horses and a random dragon generator. It contains up to 500 hours of gameplay, 450 of which is walking across a field convincing yourself it is building tension, when really it’s padding gameplay time.

Bioshock Infinite
The sequel but not a sequel but kinda a sequel but not to Bioshock 2 but to Bioshock but really, it has little to do with either except maybe the plasmids but they’re tonics now so they’re probably not related but then again maybe and oh cool you can travel through time now but not really but that’s still kinda neat I guess and it’s in the sky and shit.

Uncharted 3
Nathan Drake fumbles through another adventure as though he’s never been on one before, except he has at least three fucking times now. Nobody is buying it Drake, stop throwing your arms around like you don’t know what you’re doing, you aren’t fooling anyone. Anyway, I couldn’t be less interested in this game unless it was called Gears of War 3.

Gears of War 3
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz…..

Mass Effect 3
Bioware has added voice controls to Mass Effect to “see how many people actually try to use this shit”. Bioware staff have said the innovative new control scheme is “pointless, annoying and entirely unresponsive” but that “Microsoft just wrote a cheque for us to put it in. They wouldn’t stop adding zeros to the cheque. We’re kinda worried about them”.

Zelda: Skyward Sword
Wait, people still make games for the Wii?

Prey 2
The sequel to Prey, except it contains none of the characters, plot, mechanics, ideas, levels, sounds or themes of the original. So the sequel we all wanted then.

Fable: The Journey
This On-Rails shooter is not on rails, according to meth addict Peter Molyneux. When asked to explain his game his said “It’s like a sort of fable game but nothing like one. It’s totally the same but not. You just gotta.. gotta… play it man.” After playing it and saying this was an on rails shooter, Peter laughed at a cup for half an hour. Jim Sterling is said to have joined him.

Halo Combat Evolved Anniversary Repackage
Dropping the façade that Halo games are in anyway different from each other, Microsoft decided to boot the first one again and see just how many people actually buy it. Pre-orders are said to be through the roof.

Conclusions
Well it wasn’t 2008 bad at least…

This is not about Racism.

Sat, 18 Jun 2011 16:52:43 +0100

This is not about Racism.

OK who stole my idea?

Tue, 14 Jun 2011 21:33:32 +0100

http://kotaku.com/5811824/disneys-making-another-video-game-movie-this-time-with-some-simpsons-and-futurama-talent

I mean fucking seriously…

Ambitious Comedy!

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 01:28:00 +0100

So my last routine was OK, I kinda like it, but I’m feeling a bit more experimental, but also seeking stronger structure. So here’s my latest idea, bear in mind that each header would be written on a flip chart, that between the end of bits would then be flipped. This means if a bit falls flat i can use the transitional period as part of the joke.

This is my first stand up routine, so I have no idea what style of comedy suits me yet, so I’ve written some stuff in different genres and hopefully we’ll find out which styles I’m good at. Right, here we go:

Rant

I am extremely aware of how tall I am. There’s a reason I’m telling you this, it’s because a lot of people don’t seem to think I am aware of my height. Whenever I meet someone new they go “My, you’re tall aren’t you?” In fact sometimes not even that, sometimes they just go “You are tall” as if that alone is somehow worthy of my attention. I feel like these people must do this all the time to everyone they see

“You are tall, ground is hard, it is raining” it’s like being followed around by a shit author. I just imagine these people having a conversation with their friends, talking about, I don’t know, the fact coffee is hot or some inane piece of boringly obvious small talk when suddenly their heads jerk up, and their friend awakes from their coma that was induced by the discussion of temperate beverages to pay notice to them.

“Gary, you’ve, you’ve stopped talking about the world in an entirely fucking useless way, what has interrupted your never ending stream of consciousness that declares everything it sees without care?”

“That… that man. He’s… he’s so tall.”

“Yes he is tall Gary.”

“I… I must tell him. I must! I cannot let a man so tall go past me without me informing him of his height, he might not know, James, he might not know just how tall he is.”

“Do you not think that assuming someone who is that tall not being aware of their height is possibly the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever thought?”

“No… No I think he lacks that much self awareness, the blood doesn’t get to his brain, see, because he’s so tall.”

“Normally I’d say that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, but frankly you provide so much moronic commentary that it’s only a nominee.”

“I must tell him…”

*Playing Gary, I go up and tap myself on the shoulder*

“You are tall”

“What? No I think you’re… wait… wait hang on. I think I might be… HOLY SHIT! I AM TALL! I had… I had no idea; I thought I was just constantly on pieces of ground that were slightly more raised than other peoples!”

“No you are tall”

“I am! I am tall! And do you know what this means, tiny observant man?”

“No”

“It means that when I kick you in your testicles I have considerably more leverage AND range!”

And they tend to go off crying, running back to their friend declaring “being kicked in the balls hurts being kicked in the balls hurts” because they are only capable of basic sensory perception.

Contemporary Satire

David Cameron’s a tosser, isn’t he?

Parody

Oh, I’m Michael McIntyre, oh, my hair is all floppy and black and I prance around the stage like a unicorn on heat!

Musical Comedy

I used to know a sailor
Old Terrance was his name
He used to try and please his wife
But she never came

To his fancy meals
Her interest wouldn’t stir
Until one night he discovered
That he could lick her

Appetite for art
Her mind would run amuck
And then they’d go back to his place
And have a hearty fuck!

Observational

I think one of the most defining moments of my childhood was when they ran that advert for McDonalds that said “Chicken McNuggets are now made with 100% chicken’s breast!”. Now made with 100% chickens’ breast. Now. Made. What the fuck were you using before? I used to like those McNuggets what the fuck have you been feeding me for 5 years? Wild Pigeons?

Parody

Ladies and Gents Ladies and Gents I am the pub Landlord I’m an ironic act that lost its sense of irony about 2 years ago! And if we still had irony where would we be! That’s right, in moral right!

Surrealism

I once met a badger and suckled on his milk for a day then he turned into an eagles and stole my baby and I chased after the eagle going “Damn you suckle Badger!” Look I’ll be honest The Mighty Boosh made that look a whole lot fucking easier.

Parody

Oh look at me I’m The Mighty Boosh I once met a badger and suckled on his milk for a day then he turned into an eagles and stole my baby and I chased after the eagle going “Damn you suckle Badger!”

Toilet Humour

I once took a shit so big that it broke the toilet. Then i farted so loud it made the man next to me have a heart attack.

Black Humour

So I raped his corpse

Whimsy

Just like Dad used to

Observational

Why do porn sites have a rating system? I mean, I get that some porn is better than others but frankly the idea that I’m supposed to rate it kinda disturbs me. There’s a 5 star rating system! 5! There are 5 levels to the quality of porn! Once site not only had a 5 star system but also a button that says “Made me cum!” It makes me ask difficult questions like, can porn be objective? Should I be more critical of the porn I watch? Should I view porn from the perspective of a critic? Well subjectively this is marvellous, the actress is a particular favourite of mine and the attire ascribed to her is one that both titillates and sensualises her more prominent features, but one cannot help but notice the lack of realism, the man in question is clearly not a school boy and is obviously in his mid 20s, a miscasting if ever I saw one. Also the name “Miss Fucksyou” is one piece of self aware irony that falls flat on this viewer. Not only that but the camera work is shoddy and the sound is inconsistent at best. No, 2 stars from me, enjoyable but frankly not up to standard-… made me cum.

Puns

What do you call an inconsistent fish? A Hali-but! Hali… Hali but! The but is the clause used for… yeah sorry that was shit…

80s Satire

Everything Margaret Thatcher does is shit!

What became of 80s Satirists?

I miss Margaret…

90s Satire

John Major is boring!

What Became of 90s Satirists?

No he’s still boring

Nostalgic Comedy

I miss 80s and 90s satire…

Racism

People of other cultures are inferior!

Ironic Racism

People of other cultures are inferior, wink wink!

Jeremy Clarkson

Left wing views are the worst views… in the world.

Richard Hammond

Hahahaha, left wing. Look I tried to find a classification for what they do but there isn’t one, nobody’s bothered to analyse it.

Surrealism

Sometimes I talk to my coffee mugs!

Self

Deprecation

They… they don’t talk back. I’m very lonely

Controversial

I have a problem with Manchester’s Arndale Centre, now; I have my views on corporate attempts to enslave the market place through general monopolisation and the removal of specialist outlets but capitalist oppression aside I have a much simpler problem. There are no bins. Now, I know why this is, and I agree, it’s a very tragic event that occurred and I wish nothing but justice and safety for all those affected, however, I feel the Arndale Centres solution, while perfectly fine in the short run, has gone on to not really solve the problem has it? Rather than preventing yet more tragic bombings in Manchester it’s more… stopped me from throwing stuff away, really, hasn’t it? It’s a lot like solving the problem of stopping people from stealing from you by not owning anything at all. I mean, OK, I understand they don’t want any more bombings, but was it really the offensive presence of waste disposal units that triggered such a violent response? No. In fact, removing the bin is now only going to change the method, really, isn’t it? There wasn’t a group of terrorists going “well the bins are gone, that’s the entire operation fucked. No independence guys, the bins are down repeat the bins are down.” That’s not how this works is it? I feel the same way about killing Osama Bin Laden, apparently the CIA recovered hundreds of files from Osama’s computer and some of the stuff on there is downright illegal! Mostly because it’s terrorism, but you know, invited kids over, they played with bunnies, do you see where I’m going? Eh? Yeah? You sick minded fucks. No they recovered loads of files about terrorist operations, but those files are meaningless there’s not a terrorist cell in America going “… no he’s not picking up. I guess we should stay put until he calls really, I’m sure he’s fine”.

Self Aware

All of this has been one massive Joke

Claire: You are my God.

Sun, 29 May 2011 02:49:00 +0100

Claire: You are my God.
Me: Brilliant.
Kill things in my name
And once you've done that, pretend I'm a peaceful God.
Fuck with them.
Also, tell everyone that if they worship me, they get a free cat.
They won't, but you just say stuff like "Oh, you aren't wishing hard enough". That'll work.
I may invent a ceremonial dance.
And everyone has to do it with a straight face.
So that middle class can go "Oh it's so cultured!"

Sometimes I even amuse myself :D

Sun, 29 May 2011 02:41:55 +0100

Sometimes I even amuse myself :D

This is an Intervention.

Sat, 28 May 2011 21:45:47 +0100

This is an Intervention.

I Like How You Can Use Language to Manipulate People

Sat, 28 May 2011 00:52:00 +0100

For example

Subverting Expectations

Sat, 28 May 2011 00:51:00 +0100

Lewis says:
i don't want to get you too excited
so stay calm
Claire says:
Ok...
Lewis says:
good
glad you can stay calm

I Think This is What Stand Up Looks Like on Paper

Fri, 27 May 2011 00:52:00 +0100

I just finished writing this piece of stand up, I have no idea what stand up actually looks like on paper, but this might be it. I do quite like it.

Hello, yes, I am Lewis Dunn, and just in case you are wondering I am extremely aware of how tall I am. There’s a reason I’m telling you this, it’s because a lot of people don’t seem to think I am aware of my height. Whenever I meet someone new they go “My, you’re tall aren’t you?” In fact sometimes not even that, sometimes they just go “You are tall” as if that alone is somehow worthy of my attention. I feel like these people must do this all the time to everyone they see

“That… that man. He’s… he’s so tall.”

“Yes he is tall Gary.”

“I… I must tell him. I must! I cannot let a man so tall go past me without me informing him of his height, he might not know, James, he might not know just how tall he is.”

“Do you not think that assuming someone who is that tall not being aware of their height is possibly the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever thought?”

“No… No I think he lacks that much self awareness, the blood doesn’t get to his brain, see, because he’s so tall.”

“Normally I’d say that was the stupidest thing you’ve ever said, but frankly you provide so much moronic commentary that it’s only a nominee.”

“I must tell him…”

*Playing Gary, I go up and tap myself on the shoulder*

“You are tall”

“No you are tall”

“I am! I am tall! And do you know what this means, tiny observant man?”

“No”

“It means that when I kick you in your testicles I have considerably more leverage AND range!”

And they tend to go off crying, running back to their friend declaring “being kicked in the balls hurts being kicked in the balls hurts” because they are only capable of basic sensory perception.

I went back and watched all the old epsiodes of The Sketch Room,...

Thu, 26 May 2011 01:01:04 +0100

I went back and watched all the old epsiodes of The Sketch Room, a show i made back in 2009. This was the best episode. I actually didn’t realise how good this was when I was making it…

I'm Doing Stand Up Comedy

Wed, 18 May 2011 01:25:03 +0100

Yes you read that correctly, I’ll be hopefully performing at the

Manchester Comedy Club on July 3rd at 8pm

It’s an open mic and my first ever live stand up comedy performance. Please, if you like my blog, do come along and support me, my act may be shit but at least you’ll enjoy it being shit and can console me afterwards. t might also be great which would be a huge relief.

Video Game Concept (Codename: Divinity)

Thu, 12 May 2011 23:37:00 +0100

So I’ve had this idea for fucking ages and I figured it was time to commit it to print. Or rather, to pixel. Internet pixel.

Basic Synopsis: Video game designer is sucked into his hard drive of uncompleted video games. To escape he must delete them to find an exit.

Advanced Synopsis: Gary is a game designer at a huge publisher. Lazy, unmotivated and conceitedly arrogant Gary never finishes any of his project work on time, despite having made over 200 titles for the company. Of those 200, 179 were published and 21 were left “unfinished” or “cancelled”. These 21 will form the levels, each representing a different genre and “cliché”. Gary, called in for employee review, is finally fired from the company who are moving their programming department to China. Gary, enraged at the thought of being fired, promises vengeance, and later that night breaks into the building to wipe all the hard drives and work currently being put into their latest game “Call of Honour”. While jamming a screwdriver into the centre of a hard drive he is hit with an electrical jolt that fries his brain and transmits him into the hard drive. Trapped in a world of his own creation, a world filled with broken physics and half finished floors, he must venture through each of his creations and delete them personally in order to escape. Fortunately for Gary, a security guard who is also a programmer (he works overtime) finds out what has happened and offers assistance from outside the machine, giving Gary a selection of weapons from different games and providing him with helpful tips as to how to escape the next world.

Developments: A consistent character in the game is Lucy, a female character model that Gary made in his spare time. Lucy is the representation of all of Gary’s lustful desires, and as a result only has “sexy” animations. Lucy despises Gary because he is responsible for leaving her in a limbo state on a partitioned disk, and vows to make Gary’s life a hell. At first she is the antagonist, she wrecks plans, destroys bridges etc., and she is perceived to be the main villain by the player for the first act. However, as the game goes on, Lucy slowly starts to feel sorry for Gary, who it is becoming increasingly obvious is regretting making these worlds and not finishing them. Eventually she joins him in his quest to escape, but doesn’t seem to realise she must be deleted in order for Gary to escape. In the final act of the game, Gary tells her what must happen in order for him to escape. She kisses him, mournfully, and then proceeds to start the process to delete herself. Her dying words to Gary are “You made me what I am. Give me the dignity of deciding when that ends.”

Gary as a character undergoes a huge character evolution. At first he is aggressive, angry and “wisecracking” at the world. He is consistently critical of his own shoddy work, and laughs in the face of characters. As the game goes on though he slowly starts to feel more and more empathetic to his worlds and characters, eventually to the point where when he starts to delete his worlds he ends up crying. He realises he created these worlds without care or understanding for their inhabitants and has made their lives miserable through his neglect. He also realises that the worlds he did finish aren’t much better, he intentionally made the characters lives tragic to make the game more interesting. Orphaned children and tragic heroes demand answers off him as to why the world is as bad as it is, and the only reply he can make is “it made you more interesting”.

Mechanics: The respawner is broken, meaning the game won’t stop generating enemies until you destroy the respawner. There is no health in the game, but you “die” by allowing too many enemies on screen at any one time. If this happens the processor crashes and the game needs to “reboot”. This means enemies are a genuine threat but the reasons you are killing them are very different from a conventional game.

The game gives the player new powers in the form of “hacks”. There “hacks” include an aimbot (i.e. auto firing lock, countered by the fact if you leave it on you cannot jump or dodge and control is taken off you slightly) no clip (allows you to pass through walls and move in any direction, but also means you cannot interact with the world at all. No clip will not work in certain areas) and infinite health (already explained). These powers are misunderstood by each NPC, some calling it science, others magic.

Themes: The relationship of a god to his creation, lust, reality, how to obtain true happiness, what we value.

Pearlgate Chapters 9-10

Wed, 11 May 2011 17:55:00 +0100

New Chapters! This is also the last in my “stock” of chapters, sadly. There quite simply will be little to no work on this book until after June 24th which is my last exam. I should also point out that this is the most… alterable of the chapters. You can almost bet that the last part of chapter 10 is going to be changed, or that chapter 10 will actually be extended. Suffice to say I feel like this is a good place to cut off at any rate, just before we kick into Act 2 of the plot arc actually. So enjoy this last little morsel. I may post the “deleted scene” of Chapter 11, which is going under a total rework as it is now taking the plot somewhere else entirely.

Previous Chapters:

1-2 3-4 5-6 7-8

Dr Toiter was having a minor panic attack. Things were not going to plan and that made his life difficult; difficult and sweaty. Why had Harrow attacked his driver? Was he just that angry a fellow or was there something more sinister to it? His hands had gone numb due to the immense amount of pressure he’d put them through, squeezing them so hard his nervous system had given up telling him not to. He took out one of his Benzos pills and gulped it down. Today was a bad day.

He was sat in the hospital cafeteria with a cup of coffee, desperately thinking what to do. The decision to remove Harrow from The Blount Club was always understood to be a risky move; his anger was infamous around London. That said, many agreed he was doing nothing to help the clubs reputation and he was a constant threat to older members older tickers. No, the decision to remove Harrow was a fair one indeed, and one that needed doing. But the reaction was far different from what anybody suspected. Attempted suicide? Did Harrow care that much about the club? Dr Toiter let out another wail of anguish before burying his head into the table.

“Stop that at once, Toiter, or I’ll kick you out too!”

Jeremy Dutton strode into the cafeteria of the Hospital, leaving behind him an atmosphere of smug disapproval. Not only were the employees of the hospital below Dutton’s standards, they didn’t even fit onto his scale.

“Jeremy, for god sakes keep your voice down! Harrow is only a few rooms away, if he hears us…”

“What? He’ll drool on us? Relax Toiter; the man is only dangerous when he’s conscious.”

Jeremy Dutton took the seat opposite Dr Toiter and took out box of mints, popping one of the peppermint pills into his mouth.

“Yes, well, that may be the case Jeremy, but this is hardly going to plan is it?”

“Of course it’s going to plan Toiter! He’s not dead is he?”

“He came bloody close though. I mean, what if we misjudged him? What if he tries to kill himself again? What if he figures out what we’re doing? What if…”

Jeremy slammed his fist onto the table.

“Dammit Toiter, now is not the time to start cracking up! This is only stage one, remember? And this was the easy stage! Harrow’s attempted suicide is a blip, yes, but it is not derailing the plan!”

Toiter had shrunk back in his seat, quivering. He didn’t like it when Jeremy shouted, he was a very loud man, and Dr Toiter hated loudness. Dutton uncurled his fist and laid back into his seat.

“We take the blows as they come, Toiter. Harrow won’t try suicide again, he’s had a taste of the soup and it’s far too salty, he’ll send it back, don’t you worry.”

“B-But how can you be so sure Jeremy? I mean… he loved that club.”

“Wrong, Toiter, he loves his reputation. That is all that matters to a man like Harrow. He’ll get over suicide pretty quickly I reckon, and he’ll move onto revenge in a flash.”

Toiter winced.

“I’m not comfortable with this Jeremy. Not at all. Harrow is dangerous, toying with him may lead to some unfavourable outcomes.”

Dutton nodded knowingly, emitting an atmosphere of severity.

“This plan is… volatile yes, but potentially the most profitable one can imagine. We mustn’t lose sight of our goals now, if we pull this off, Toiter, you and I will be the richest men in the World.”

Toiter shivered a little when Jeremy said that.

“OK… OK then. We go ahead. Right. What now?”

“Well I have a limo waiting outside that will take us to a rather expensive champagne bar a few miles from here, we’ll leave Harrow to stew in his bed. In the meantime, Toiter, sell. Everything. We must make sure that Harrow cannot touch us for the next few weeks, physically or financially. He’s got a hell of a week ahead of him, and I know he’s going to enjoy it. Best leave him to it, eh?”

Toiter practically giggled in delight.

“Oh Jeremy, I do love it when you scheme.”
“I know; I’m just so darn good at it…”

The two men left the hospital, chuckling over their own cunning. Meanwhile, in a few rooms down from the cafe, Henry Harrow was waking up and what he was seeing was not part of Dutton’s plan at all, but instead part of a much grander scheme. One which was a matter of life and death.

“I’ve gone stark raving bonkers haven’t I?”

Henry was staring at the figure over his bed, the figure of John Crosby.

“Oh sodding hell, one little accident and suddenly I’m off the bloody wall.”

“Mr Harrow, allow me to explain a few things…”
“Don’t say a word, don’t say a bloody syllable. You’re from my mind so I can control you, so shut up and get back in my head!”

Henry started frantically pulling at the air in front of him, trying desperately to pull John into his head. John didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“Mr Harrow, I’m not going anywhere, and if you believe I am under your jurisdiction you are greatly mistaken.”

Henry stopped pulling at the air and instead fell back into his bed clutching his hands over his face.

“I don’t need this… not right now, I can’t lose it. I’m too important to lose it.”

“Mr Harrow, I think it’s about time we discussed business.”

Henry lurched upwards and threw his hand into the air, thrusting his finger at John.
“No! I don’t talk business with stress based delusions! I’m not a wall bouncing nutter or a gibbering wreck! I am a businessman who does business with men! I’m not going to let one little nervous break-down and crash ruin my head! I’m not entertaining this! I’m going back to sleep!”

And with that, Henry threw his head under his pillow and demanded his brain he got some more sleep. John slapped the form of his palm to where his head should be. Great. This was a man so stubborn he’d decided to ignore what he believed to be his own mind. John decided that he needed to scare Henry, just a little, just to make sure he didn’t try to ignore him.

“Go to sleep,” Henry was screaming at his brain, his eyes scrunched up like raisins.

“Go to bloody sleep and make this hallucination disappear for good.”

John placed his hand over Henry’s brain and tweaked one side, just a little.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he told Henry. He sat bolt upright in his bed, his eyes now bursting out of their sockets.

John took his hand out of Henry’s head and made his form appear before the startled wreck again.

“Mr Harrow, I’m not going anywhere.”

“No, but I am!” said Henry as he pulled himself out of bed.

“Mr Harrow, you can’t run from me…”
“Want to bet? You’re not the first thing I’ve ran from!”

John began to wonder if Henry was actually legitimately insane as he sprinted down the hospital halls wearing nothing but his pyjamas, tripping over various pieces of equipment as he tried to make it to the door. Fortunately for John, a nurse had spotted Henry and quickly managed to wrestle him to the floor.

“Mr Harrow” said the nurse, struggling with Henry’s writhing but heavily doped form, “You need to go back to bed. You’re not quite ready to – urgh – leave yet. You need at least 2 weeks to recover, Mr Harrow, sir.”

“I’m not going back to that bloody bed! I want out! You hear me? Out! This hospital is useless! I want to be transferred to a private hospital right now, and if you don’t do as I say I’ll call my lawyer and you’ll all be fired! Twice! So move it!”

The nurse sighed and beckoned over to a colleague who brought over a sedative. She slammed the needle into Henry, who struggled a little, then closed his eyes and went limp. The nurse hauled Henry onto a stretcher and took him back to his private room. This wasn’t the first time she’d wrestled a powerful businessman to the floor, but it was the first time it was for a professional reason. She left Henry drooling in his fine cotton sheets as John loomed over the body, contemplating his plan. Henry wasn’t going to leave the hospital unless he thought he was well, and he was no use to John if he was too busy gulping morphine and hospital food; he needed him back in his office. Even then, he needed a plan, a proper plan, with bullet points and a timeline of events. He had very little idea where he was going, and with Henry refusing to talk to him how could he possibly have any influence on him. John sighed heavily at the overwhelming task ahead of him. If only he could get an insight on Henry, a proper look at what went on in his head, a look inside his mind…

John placed his hand through Henry’s skull and prodded the brain. What followed would change John’s view on Henry forever.

Added Comments

Fri, 06 May 2011 00:23:15 +0100

Just a tech update, you can now comment on posts! Don’t even have to register, just post a comment. It’s great stuff, please do use it, the more popularity I think I have the more encouraged I am to write.

Pearlgate Chapters 7-8

Wed, 04 May 2011 23:04:00 +0100

Ah I love this time of blog. I post up some new chapters from my in-progress book Pearlgate. I must warn you on several fronts before proceeding however:

- This book is a work in progress, meaning there are likely to be some errors from now on as these following chapters are getting closer and closer to my “live” writing.

- Everything is still open to being “retconned” or “re-written to avoid plot holes”. This may make trying to guess any twists or character developments entirely impossible. Sorry.

- As already mentioned this is now treading on the toes of my “live” writing, so expect updates less frequently, certainly chapter 10 is my last written chapter, and with exams spanning until the end of June it is unlikely I’ll write more until after then.

Previous chapters can also be found here:

1-2: http://dunnace.tumblr.com/post/4375678833/pearlgate-chapters-1-and-2

3-4: http://dunnace.tumblr.com/post/4472265541/pearlgate-chapters-3-4

5-6: http://dunnace.tumblr.com/post/4846718766/pearlgate-chapters-5-6

With that warning out of the way, do enjoy these next two chapters, where we finally get back to John and see what he’s up to.

John fell to earth in a terrifyingly fast, yet weightless, plummet. It was an odd experience, living without existing; the world seemed to be so much more real when you couldn’t be a part of it. The colours and shapes were so much crisper to John, the whiteness of the clouds, the blueness of the sky; it was as if someone had turned up the contrast on the whole world. Even the grey roads seemed to glow with energy as John plummeted towards them; life was just so much more… lively when you were dead. The fall ended abruptly, placing John outside of the St. Mary’s Hospital main entrance. He looked around him, at all of the people that surrounded the building. There were so many different figures around him, so many ideas and personalities, and yet, everyone around him seemed so glum. A nicotine-stained nurse stood outside, smoking on a damp cigarette, her face sagging to the floor as if the weight of life was dragging her down. A couple were arguing over whether their relationship was going anywhere, a baby was crying over the loss of his teddy bear and a old man was sat on a bench glumly muttering to himself about his children abandoning him. John couldn’t help but think that perhaps none of their problems mattered at all. He turned to face the hospital entrance.

“OK,” he said, “walking, this shouldn’t be too hard.”

He looked down. No feet.

“Well, that was a short lived plan. How the hell do I move?”

He contemplated how one could move without a physical presence. In the end he concluded he couldn’t, and so sat down on the floor.

“Wait, how did I sit down?”

John looked at where he was sitting. The faint outline of a body was there for just a brief moment, and then it faded away like cloud of smoke.

“Did I just… will a body into existence?”

John tried to do it again, focusing all of his concentration into making a body. The faint outline return and John found he was not only able to pick himself up, but also able to walk along the surface of the world as if he was faint mist rolling over it.

“So, it seems I’m capable of movement providing I focus enough. Excellent, now, what about other things?”

He approached the wall of the hospital.

“If I’m ghost, this should be standard practice surely,” he decided, as he placed his arm through the wall and focused on travelling forward. An interesting combination of pain and force met John’s arm as it was flung out of the wall and across the street.

“What the hell just happened? I was halfway through when it just rejected me!”

John looked down at where his arm had been and focused on having it back. Sure enough the faint form of his arm returned to the place where John had expected it to be. But the issue remained, why could he only partially travel through objects? He tried again, but found when he focused on moving forwards his arms were flung across the world.

“Why can’t I walk through the damned thing?!”

The thought nagged at his brain, until suddenly an idea occurred to him. He looked around him for something to pick up. He spied a coke can lying on the floor. Walking over to it, he bent down and gave himself the command “Pick up”.

His hand wisped around the can, nudging it slightly, but nothing more. He tried again, this time putting an intense effort into the thought “Pick Up”. The hand now caused the can to rattle slightly and even be elevated by his form, but only for a few seconds. The third time, John did nothing but focus on the can, putting every ounce of concentration into the lifting of it. This time he managed to not only maintain full grip on it, he managed to even crush it slightly. John laughed with satisfaction as the can fell from his grasp once again. Focus. The more he thought, the more presence he had in the world. That was why he couldn’t walk through the wall, walking took up a great deal of focus and so his presence was denser.

He turned to face the wall, cackling with delight at his new found discovery. He caught sight of the nicotine nurse who was staring, open mouthed, at the now slightly crushed can of discarded coke. The nurse threw her cigarette away and vowed to herself to quit that day. John smiled to himself; he was doing some good deeds already. Approaching the wall again he relaxed and gently played with the idea of movement. He glided across the tarmac and through the wall, appearing on the other side as a faint wisp.

“Walking through walls, sorted.”

John’s thoughts were buzzing around his head, crackling with imagination. What else could he do? He couldn’t help but giggle gleefully as thoughts of mischief came to his head. A medical student suddenly appeared at the end of corridor, walking towards him. She was around 21, with long blond locks of hair and even longer legs. John suddenly had an idea.

“Possession, that’s got to be one,”

He glided over to the attractive young nurse and attempted to glide into her head. Nothing. The student stopped and looked around, John’s attempts had caused a slight chill to suddenly sweep through her brain. She shrugged it off, too much caffeine in the morning she decided.

John tried again, once again throwing his form at hers. Once again, a brief chill swept over the student but the assaults proved to do nothing more than make her shiver. John gritted the space where his teeth should be and wracked his brain for ideas. His… brain?

He swept over to the nurse again, and this time placed his hands inside her head and gripped her brain.

The nurse stopped dead in her tracks.

“Great,” thought John, “that seemed to work”.

“Great, that seemed to work,” said the nurse.

John jolted with surprise. So did the nurse.

“Haha! I can possess people!” thought John. He immediately regretted his decision.

“Haha! I can possess people!” said the nurse in a triumphant tone. John concluded to be careful about what he thought about.

Controlling the nurse proved to be incredibly difficult, with every individual muscle requiring independent thought from John. Walking down the corridor could take nearly 30 seconds of unbroken thinking, with up to 4 things requiring attention at once, but John soon managed to get the hang of it.

Using his new found puppet he managed to get her to walk to the front of the hospital and to the main desk.

“Excuse me,” he made the nurse say, “Could you tell me where Mr Harrow is?”

The secretary stared back at her, chewing on a piece of gum that she had started nearly 2 hours ago.

“Are you taking the piss Becky? Nobody see’s Mr Harrow without his permission, not even a pretty little tart like you. We don’t let vultures bother our patients.”

John was taken aback by the bluntness of the secretary, “Wow, what a bitch!” he thought.

The fall out was astonishing.

“What did you call me you little slut?!” screamed the secretary. The entire hospital turned round to face the showdown. John panicked.

“I mean, er, I mean to say, you aren’t a bitch you’re, er, nice.” Sweat began pouring down the nurse’s face. It seemed some concepts never leave the human brain.

“Don’t you try and get out of this you fat slapper! I’ve had enough of you, jus’ cause you think you’re prettier than everyone here!”

John had never been good with women.

“Oh no no no! I don’t think I’m prettier! You’re prettier, definitely! You’ve got bigger boobs and everything!”

The secretaries eyes widened.

“Are you gay or summat?”

It was at this point John gave up and let go of the nurse’s brain. She fell to floor in a slumped pile.

“Oh my god, wassup with you? Get up you daft bitch.”

The people around the hospital suddenly milled around the body of the nurse. Eventually one of the crowd grabbed her wrist.

“She’s… she’s dead.”

The crowd recoiled in horror. A doctor rushed to the side of the nurse and immediately performed CPR on her. It failed.

“Her heart… it must have stopped for 5 minutes… how is that possible?”

John suddenly realised what he’d done. He’d forgotten that when he was alive, there was so much more to do than just walk and talk. Breathing, beating, all the things that let one live, all the tiring movements and ideas that kept the body in check. He watched as a cloud of white smoked gently flew out of the nurse and ascended upwards.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I didn’t mean to…”

The cloud floated away.

“I forgot how… difficult living was.”

Henry Harrow was dribbling. This was unacceptable for a man of his calibre, but it was unavoidable; when you are unconscious it’s very hard to control what your body can and cannot do. The machines around Henry were beeping away furiously, keeping the doctor that cowered over his body fully aware of his vital signs, just in case something suddenly failed. The machine to his left was making a “ping” noise while another on his right made a “boowang” sound. These were the sounds that told the doctor not to worry, but he still did. When you had a patient that paid as much a Henry did the least you could do was worry.

“How is his blood pressure?” asked Dr Toiter, his brow drenched in sweat.

“135 doctor; and rising,” replied his nurse.

“Good, it’s returning to normal then.”

Dr Toiter wringed his hands, crushing and grinding the bones with anxiety.

“Doctor, there is no reason to panic, Mr Harrow is in a stable condition and recovering well.”

“I know! That’s the problem nurse; the moment that man wakes up we’re all in very big trouble!”

Henry’s body twitched and some more dribble slopped out of his mouth. Dr Toiter shuddered.

“Oh god, what have we done? I knew he’d take it badly but this… this is a bit much. I mean… it’s not like anybody can blame me surely? I just… voted in favour of it is all. Is a voter responsible for murders of a government? No! I’m perfectly innocent in all this!”

Dr Toiter was rambling to himself under his breath, the pace of his hands increasing as he wringed them over and over, his mind racing faster and faster with them.

“I mean, he was a danger to the club, he was a danger to everyone! I didn’t know he’d try to kill himself over it! Oh god, what if he sues! No, he can’t sue, he’d have to admit the clubs existence and his career would be over. But what if he takes… personal vengeance? Oh god,”

“Dr Toiter, sir, he’s coming to.”

Dr Toiter cried out and dived under a nearby machine that was making a “tat tat tat” noise.

Henry’s eyes gently flittered open. The light that suddenly filled his world angered his mind, and he decided to let the light know what he thought of it.

“Arghfrtuy bassturdd”

“It’s OK Mr Harrow, you’re safe now, you were in an accident.”

“Arghfff dun caaaair”

“Everything should come back to you soon Mr Harrow, you need a little time to get your bearings is all.”

“Brolllucks”

The nurse went over to the machine that Dr Toiter was cowering under and yanked him out from his cover. Dr Toiter yelped with surprise and anguish, before wheeling round to face Henry.

“H-H-Henry, I’m so glad to see you well! I mean, recovering, I mean, not dead!”

Henry’s eyes squinted, his vision was still adjusting.

“Well, old chap, old bean, good chum, let’s, er, take a look at you! Take a quick little look, eh?”

Dr Toiter took out his pen light and shined it into Henry’s eyes with determined vigour. Henry screamed and covered his face. Dr Toiter took advantage of the temporary blindness he’d awarded Henry.

“Oh dear! You don’t seem able to see all that well, what a pity, a shame even, well terribly sorry but got to dash! Come nurse!”

And with that Dr Toiter scurried out, dragging the nurse with him at breakneck speed. Henry spat and dribbled, slowly reopening his eyes and finally coming to terms with his surroundings. He looked round; saw the flowers on his bedside, the gown on his door, the figure that floated above his head and the glass of water on his table. He scanned all four of the items before turning to the floating figure and asking:

“Whro the ruby melll arrre yoo?”

“Me, Mr Harrow?” inquired the figure.

“Whro duu yoo frink I ment?”

“Why, Mr Harrow, I’m your conscious.”

“O brallls” said Henry, as he passed out again.

John smiled to himself.

“Oh Mr Harrow,” he chuckled “We’re going to have such fun you and I.”

Loaded Terms

Tue, 03 May 2011 18:07:00 +0100

So I debate a lot of politics, online and off, and I’ve come across a series of common terms that are often misused of misunderstood. So I figured “HEY, that’d make a great blog post!” So here’s a blog post. This is almost like a glossary that shouts at you, so do enjoy it.

Democracy: Democracy is not the upholding of a political view that you happen to agree with. I recently got a comment saying the referendum would let Labour win an election and lead to a triumph of “democracy”. That’s not a triumph for democracy that is a triumph for Labour. Democracy is literally a Greek translation “Demo” meaning “People” and “Cracia” meaning “Power”. So when you someone wins an election that isn’t so much a triumph as a continuation. Any electable party that claims a monopoly on democracy is lying. It isn’t even entirely clear if democracy is actually in any way a good thing, it is literally a popularity contest.

Freedom: Freedom is often mistaken for “what I believe to be right”. Well, freedom in its truest form is basically anarchy, so when you talk about promoting your personal freedoms you are essentially asking for quietly acquired anarchy. No bad thing, anarchistic views are actually quite interesting and in some areas very agreeable indeed, but if you claim banning drugs or raising taxes is a victory for “freedom” you’re wrong, it is a greater infringement of freedom. Then again, freedom is once more a contestable point, it might be pure freedom to allow a baby to run off a cliff but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and stop it.

Anarchy: Building off what I’ve just said, Anarchism is actually quite a good philosophy. It is essentially pure freedom, no government, no laws, just common man in co-operation. Anarchists are often confused for rioters, which is not really the same thing. People who want to “smash the state” often want to introduce their own government to replace the current one. I guess you’re smart enough to observer the failure here. Suffice to say the likes of Alan Moore can explain this far better than I can, so go look him up. Another interesting point is that anarchy is the exact enemy of Fascism, so if you hate Nazis go give anarchy a look.

Ideology and Pragmatism: This coupling is the guiltiest of misleading people in my eyes. Pragmatism is the idea of reacting to events; ideology is using philosophy and logic to pursue a goal. Pragmatism is often sighted as the only sensible path to take, but this is a rather clever guise taken up by parties like the Conservatives to make them look like the only reasonable option. Pragmatism is flawed because ultimately whoever implements it is reacting to events but with no perfect scenario in mind, the only thing that pragmatism can preserve is the status quo, and in the words of Dr Horrible the status is not quo. Ideological pursuit is often viewed as being narrow minded or unreasonable, but in truth it is essentially viewing a perfect society and trying to achieve it. It’s also flawed, however, as often ideologically determined people do miss a bigger picture or “the real world” but at least they’re trying to change something.

Socialism/Communism: Ho boy, thanks Cold War, you ruined this for political theorists everywhere. What is quite annoying about this is not the association problem so much as what these terms have come to mean. All modern socialists essentially hide behind a new mantra of “Social Democracy” or “Liberal” thanks to the pejoration that has occurred here. If you’re responsible for making the term “Communist” or “Socialist” into dirty words, go kill yourself, because you’ve done nothing but make left wing minded policies difficult to explain without being interrupted by everyone saying “That ain’t no Communism! You’re lying!” Communism does not obliterate money as a concept, it does not believe we are all equal in all things and it does not encourage anti-religious views. Yes, it does believe in a more balanced society and the idea of millionaires is destroyed by the ideology, but it is not against personal wealth within a reasonable extent. Socialism is not “the same as Communism but lighter”, is its own ideology and is also not a bad thing. It is a different world view. I beg of you, if you think any of these things of communism or socialism, go look up basic Marxist Theory and basic Socialist theory. It’ll take 5 minutes and I promise it will at least interest you. You don’t have to agree with it, just know about it. It’s very important that people understand what they oppose.

I hope you find this guide useful and amusing, I you don’t then you’re a no good undemocratic freedom hating anarchist commie.

Simplicity

Sat, 30 Apr 2011 13:00:07 +0100

If only it was as simple as 1 2 3! You know, the idea that between 1 and 2 there is an infinite number of numbers, and between 1 and 3 there is also an infinite number, but it is the same amount of numbers as between 1 and 2. You know. That simple.